random disorganization.

So i receive back an essay, and i discover to my horror that i have merely just passed. Just passed. Weeks of work, research gone down the drain. I stare at the paper in unresolved shock.

Recently, I asked my lecturerer to discuss the paper with me. Fortunately he was very accommodating and eager to discuss my paper with me in detail. He noted that my essay was a bit like blocks of writing that had been stuck together and had not been organized properly. I nodded quietly and realized what he was saying was true.

I began to wonder, was this an indication of the workings of my own randomly working mind, or just pure laziness?

For years i have been writing, reading and learning. And yet I still struggle with grammatical issues, syntactical errors and general disorganization in my writing. It shouldn't be the case. Since he noted this, I have decided to make a larger effort to read more, write more and concentrating on trying to understand the English language a little more effectively.

While I was taking in all the academic issues, I began to wonder how much writing is an indication of my own behaviours of late. Is it possible to gauge a person's confusion to their ability to write and read coherently? Organize thoughts in their own mind like they do in their essay? Does it correspond with one another?

I began to wonder if i was completely transparent as he spoke to me. Can you see through me through my own writing I wonder? I realized in what intonation he was speaking to me - that of a child because of my own silence. Every lecturer seems to think i'm going to crumble if i ask for constructive advice because of my quietness. They reassure me and say, 'but...it's only a...', which always makes me laugh inside because I wouldn't be there if I were afraid. Or if I were going to crumble.